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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293059">If I Could Tell Him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cross-Posted on Wattpad, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Song: If I Could Tell Her (Dear Evan Hansen), jeremy heere the sad pining boy pt 2, ok well idk why im posting this its self indulgence, this has definitely been done before but ssh indulge me, this is honestly out of character for michael but im too tired to re-write old fanfic, this is old tbh but shushshush</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:20:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Did… did he hate me?”</p><p>His eyes were so hope-filled that it hurt Jeremy’s heart. He knew the signs: eyes slightly widened, hands clenched, mouth neither smiling or frowning; the answer that Jeremy was forced to provide meant everything to him. </p><p>What was he supposed to do? Rich wasn’t even at school anymore, thanks to his hospital injuries. What good would it do Michael to know? He was about to quickly lie about how Rich thought nothing special about him, but his mouth had a different idea.</p><p>“No… he really likes you. Even back then. He thought you were… awesome.”</p><p>--</p><p>It's "If I Could Tell Her" from DEH except b o y  f   r i e n ds. Super original and creative, i know.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If I Could Tell Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Did… did he hate me?”</p><p>His eyes were so hope-filled that it hurt Jeremy’s heart. He knew the signs: eyes slightly widened, hands clenched, mouth neither smiling or frowning; the answer that Jeremy was forced to provide meant everything to him. </p><p>What was he supposed to do? Rich wasn’t even at school anymore, thanks to his hospital injuries. What good would it do Michael to know? He was about to quickly lie about how Rich thought nothing special about him, but his mouth had a different idea.</p><p>“No… he really likes you. Even back then. He thought you were… awesome.”</p><p>Oh, how it hurt to see Michael’s eyes light up. He really did like Rich, didn’t he? </p><p><em>‘Please don’t ask anything else,’</em> Jeremy mentally begged his friend. <em>‘I’m too jealous for my own good.’</em> Alas, Michael seemed to be as excited as a puppy.</p><p>“He… he thought I was awesome?” </p><p><em>‘No. He called you a loser.’</em> He thought. <em>‘He would probably think you were awesome now, but back then his opinion of you was nonexistent.’</em> Still, he loved Michael too much to hurt his feelings. Even if it seemed to rip out his heart.</p><p>“Definitely!” he forced out a small chuckle. “Y’know, he used to talk about you too. He used to say pretty cheesy stuff, even when he was… Squipped.”</p><p>No reaction to the Squip word? Normally Michael would flinch, or noticeably have his mood dampened. It wasn’t like Jeremy wanted to hurt him with that word, but the fact that Michael didn’t care kinda stung. Was Rich that special to him?</p><p>“Like what?” There he went, wanting to know more. How was he supposed to say no? He paused, not knowing if he would be able to go on. </p><p>At his hesitation, Michael seemed to look flustered. “Uh, sorry, I just-- ugh, I’ve never really, like, liked anyone before with them actually… liking me back a lot.” His cheeks were tinted red, and he looked kinda… shy.</p><p><em>‘He’s really cute,’</em> Jeremy thought sadly. He wished he could tell him that. He wished he meant that much to Michael. </p><p>“It’s fine, I was going to tell you anyway.” He rolled his eyes playfully, even though he wished he could lock himself away and cry.<em> ‘Oh gosh,’</em> he thought dryly<em>, ‘I sound like a stereotypical middle school girl.’</em></p><p>“Well, he used to say to me about how much he liked your smile.” Knowing he would have to elaborate more than that, he drew upon his own reasons to continue. “Cause, like, he said it was so subtle, yet so… perfect, and oh-so-real.”</p><p>This time Michael had no response, just looking up at Jeremy like he was the only thing that mattered. If this were any other situation, Jeremy would be feeling fluttery and flustered… just like Michael was right now. It was a reminder that Michael’s fervent attention was not focused on him, but Rich.</p><p>Gut twisting, he went on, looking away. “And he always said that you never seemed to realize how your smile made him feel so… wonderful, and content… and just… complete.” </p><p>And there it was. The award-winning smile he had just mentioned. The lying was almost easy. </p><p>Ignoring the fluttery giddiness that always accompanied him when he saw Michael, he continued. </p><p>“And he knew all the stuff you did. Like, uh, how you scribble stars on the edges of your schoolwork.” He realized after a moment that a soft smile was tugging at the sides of his mouth. God, he liked Michael too much. “And-- and  how you still fill out those stupid ‘am i gay’ quizzes in magazines.” </p><p>“Don’t judge me,” he protested, though his eyes were still sparkling with happiness. </p><p><em>‘I told myself liking him was a bad idea. I knew he liked Rich, no matter how much he denied it at the time.’</em> He thought, suddenly having reality hit. <em>‘Yet I couldn’t help it.’</em></p><p>“But he would always say to me, ‘we’re a million worlds apart, Jeremy. I dunno how I could even begin to explain all this to him.’” He paused, the truthness of his words rubbing raw. “‘If only... I could tell him.’”</p><p>Michael looked so… shocked, in that silly, flustered way. He suddenly looked shy, and glanced away. “Did he say anything else?”<br/>
    <br/>
“A-about you?”</p><p>Michael’s eyes widened slightly and flushed. “Er, nevermind, it’s fine, I don’t really care that much, heh--”</p><p>He felt queasy. “No! No, just, uh--” He shook his head. Why was he doing this?</p><p>It was a dumb question, he knew why. The boy sitting next to him just proved it. “He just said… so many different things. That he liked about you. I just need to-- um, think of the best ones.”</p><p>He stared at Michael, carefully looking over his features. His messy hair he always tried to gel back, his awkward, stupid glasses, his weird crooked smile that he was mentioned before to be so complete. His heart seemed to almost cry as it pounded louder. He looked away again. </p><p>“He thought…” He remembered back to their Freshman year. “He thought, um, you looked really pretty-- I mean, pretty cool, er, when you dyed streaks of your hair indigo.” He swallowed at his almost slip up, and instinctively rubbed his thumb and fingers together nervously as he sat.</p><p>Michael didn’t seem to notice though. “H-He did?” he said almost sheepishly. </p><p>“Yeah… and he would see you dance down the hallways sometimes… and always wonder how you didn’t seem to care what the world thought.”</p><p>The boy chuckled dryly. “Oh, I do care. I compare myself with others a lot. But when I have Marley blasting in my ears, it kinda just slips away.”</p><p>Jeremy sadly looked over at him, only continuing since Michael seemed to care so much about what Rich thought. </p><p>“When it was just us and no one else he would sigh and vent. He kept it all inside his head, y’know. He didn’t know how to tell you. He still doesn’t, probably. ‘If I could tell him,’ he repeated a lot.”</p><p>“You already told me that.”</p><p>“Well, he said it a lot.” He rolled his eyes, trying to appear joking and happy. But his head didn’t follow the same example.<em> ‘No, he didn’t,’</em> his mind whimpered, <em>‘You did.'</em></p><p>“But there was such a divide between us… he seemed so far away.” Oh? Was Michael actually saying something? </p><p>He quickly revealed more feelings he’d hidden away under the cover of Rich. “He… he said similar things to me, too. ‘What am I supposed to do, Jeremy? The distance between me and him is so wide…’” </p><p>Michael sighed, although he wasn’t inherently sad. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice. It’s like I don’t know anything. I guess I was busier thinking about y--” he broke off, slightly red, and regained himself. “Someone else at the moment.”</p><p><em>‘He was going to say ‘your SQUIP’ I bet.’ </em>He thought bitterly. <em>‘How would he be able to think about boys when I had that stupid computer telling me to ditch him?’</em> His already unpleasant feelings only increased. Looking back over at  Michael, he sighed.</p><p>“Another thing he’d say… ‘How can I tell him, ‘I love you?’”</p><p>“W-what?”</p><p>“I love you,” he repeated, not caring if Michael actually heard and was just surprised.</p><p>Michael was silent, gazing up at him…  still so intently. He felt his face heat up at the direct and tension-filled moment, but he doubted Michael would notice.</p><p>“I love you,” he choked out again, his voice cracking. It felt so real… like Michael loved him and he loved Michael and he was confessing and everything would be perfect and Rich and Michael never liked each other and it was just them and oh my god it felt so real if only he could pretend a little longer--</p><p>He forced himself to turn away, his voice slightly catching as he continued to “quote” fake Rich-Jeremy. “‘But we’re a million worlds apart… And I wouldn’t know where or how to start… If I could tell him…” </p><p>He dug his gangly hands into the bed sheet, not really focusing on Michael anymore. This was his fault he felt upset. He couldn’t bring himself to be angry at Rich or Michael. Only himself. But he just couldn’t tell Michael that. He wouldn’t ever be able to tell Michael about how much he loved him and how wonderful he was… ever.</p><p>“If I…” he whispered, barely aware he was speaking out loud. “Could…”</p>
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